I've been wanting to write for some time about mental health, about my mental health - my experiences, the shame, the taboo, the frustration, isolation, hopelessness. But now the change and the hope and brighter days!
It's difficult to know the best way to approach this - I don't want to dwell too much on the negative but I also think it's important for those people who have never experienced depression to gain an insight into what it's like.
I was first diagnosed with depression twenty years ago, when I was 20 years old, although looking back I think I suffered through my teenage years too. It wasn't all the time, just on and off and usually a dose of medication would help for a few months and I'd brighter again and back to 'normal'!! Quite often it was triggered by events or situations but, to me, it felt each episode was slightly worse than the previous ocasion.
It's almost exactly a year ago that I was signed off work (again) with depression. I'm not sure I have the words to eloquently share how that felt. Those of you who read my blog or know me personally will know some of the challenges I've faced in the past couple of years, including my GP whose words were actually "this was bound to happen after all you've been through". For me, this was the worse time ever. It had been a slow decline but once I started to take time out and rest and recover I realised how unwell I really had become. The depression mixed with the trauma of a marriage breakdown lead to my confidence almost disappearing. I didn't sleep well, was lethargic, uninterested in anything, paranoid, would over think everything and was generally very unwell. My work suffered. My performance was well below par. I handled situations badly, took everything personally and generally felt the whole world was against me.
A business trip to London with a colleague presented an opportunity for an honest conversation whilst having a bite to eat at Gatwick Airport! During the flight home I had a lightbulb moment. It was time for change. It wasn't going to be easy but no change now would have meant no change ever. I will always be grateful to two colleagues in particular who supported me during this time, and still do.
I'll come back to this 'change' a little later and explain a bit more, but first I want to help those who have no experience of depression try to understand what it is like. I shared a little bit of my story with my team at work during a summer offsite day. It was the first time I'd ever spoken about what I was going through and I used this great video from The World Health Organisation which explains depression so well.........
The Black Dog
I'd got to the point of realising that the traditional counselling I was receiving was not helping me not to dwell on all the bad things that had happened to me and wasn't doing enough to help me move on and look forward. This is where the change took effect. The opportunity for change at work came and I took it. I then knew that I had to do something constructive to help me look forward. I was given the name of a local therapist and had a chat with him, quizzed him on how he thought he could help me - he said in only a few sessions, not a long term thing. I was open minded, heard some good reports about him and had support to go ahead and I did.
He explained depression in a new way. In the first session he gave me a book to read........
How to lift depression ...Fast (The Human Givens Approach)
by Joe Griffin et al.
Link: http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1899398414
by Joe Griffin et al.
Link: http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1899398414
Despite the depression I was experiencing stealing my concentration, motivation and enthusiasm, I read it! It was eye-opening. For the first time, it started to make sense. For the first time I began to understand why this was happening to me and relieved I could do something about it.
The book explains what depression is, what causes it and how to change. The research of the authors prove depression is not a biological illness. Every thought and every emotion that we experience changes our brain chemistry. Lowered serotonin levels found in the brains of depressed people are a consequence of depression and not the cause of it. How we respond to circumstances leads to depression rather than the circumstance itself. Depression is a strong emotion. Our two types of intelligence, emotional and rational, usually work together in partnership but depression occurs when the emotional brain is switched on full and the rational brain is switched to low. It then becomes a cycle of a black and white thinking style which generates more and more emotion.
People who are depressed worry and ruminate constantly. Worrying puts heavy pressure on our REM sleep periods. During the nights the brain tries to rid itself of the excessive load of emotional arousal by dreaming. If energy is used up by excessive dreaming we end up exhausted, having had too much energy-burning REM sleep and not enough recuperative (energising) sleep.
The Human Givens Approach looks at how we all have basic emotional needs. These include being safe, having privacy when needed, a sense of autonomy, receiving and giving attention, having an emotional connection with others as well as the wider community. A sense of status, a value within social groups and a sense of competence and achievement which builds self esteem and finally a sense of meaning and purpose. If any of the areas are missing or lacking then we begin to suffer.
But depression doesn't hold the power....the power lies with us. We have innate resources that will help us such as the ability to learn and remember, the ability to build rapport, empathise and connect with others, powerful imagination, an ability to think things out, an ability to understand the world subconsciously by pattern matching, an ability to be objective and an ability to dream.
By undertaking an emotional needs 'audit' it is clear to see the areas where these important needs are not being met or where the resources are not being used and the therapist then helps the person to build up effective ways to ensure those needs are met.
There are many ways to ensure the needs are met - from something as simple as learning to breathe slowly, creating safe space, to setting goals, sensible, manageable goals. Being able challenge old mind patterns, to laugh, to find ways to enjoy life maybe exercise or volunteering, joining a club or just getting out more and to know that although life throws curve balls sometimes that 'this too shall pass'.
I'm not saying that I'm 'cured' or that I won't ever be depressed again, but I understand why I feel the way I do now. I know that for me it's helpful to talk to someone about how I'm feeling or write in my journal the worries I have or the things that are bothering me so I don't leave those emotions in my head for bedtime! My colleagues at work know I still have bad days or parts of days when I'm the "only shadow in my sunshine" but they are fewer and longer apart and my team is supportive and for that I'm grateful. I'm not dealing with this on my own anymore. The only person who thinks I can't cope or isn't doing a good job is me......but I'm working on that too! Reminding myself of what the facts are versus the feelings (or the lies) is hard work but essential.
So I'm still on the journey just like everyone else. We all have a journey, we all face issues or battles of one sort or another but I think it's good to be open. If only one person reads this and gets that book or asks for help then sharing my heart will have been worth it.
