I was chatting to someone the other day – I’d been feeling low, some situations had got on top of me a bit and I was struggling with my mental health. Over the years, I’ve got to know myself quite well – I generally know what the triggers are for me and when I need to be careful to take stock of what I’m thinking about and the situations I might find myself in. If I’d had a cold or hurt my back and was feeling out of sorts or in pain I’d have no trouble saying this is why I was just being quiet at my desk or why I needed a day off, so why does it not work the same way when it is mental health related? There has been so much talk about mental health awareness, mental health first aid and campaigns such as ‘It’s OK not to be OK’, so why is there still such a stigma around mental health? We asked the question, if someone is off work long term because of mental health, why do we not talk of them in the same way as if it were because of cancer treatment or a major operation?
I didn’t have the answer at the time – and I’m still not sure that I do, but I have given it some thought. I don’t think there is one answer – if it were that simple we probably wouldn’t have so many people suffering. But I do wonder if some of the reason is because we are taught and encouraged to look at the positives or ‘on the bright side’ of situations we find ourselves in. Every cloud has a silver lining! We are told to think of those who are in worse situations than us. Of course there are people in worse situations than us – the list is almost endless - there are people who live in poverty, people who don’t have homes or clean water, people who have lost their job or home through no fault of their own, people facing loss or illness, people who are exploited in all sorts of ways – all of those situations and so many many more are very real for a lot of people but probably need a blog post all of their own.
I believe we all have our own mountains. Perspectives are different and we will all view mountains differently. Challenges come in different ways for each of us. Don’t ‘dis’ someone else’s mountain. What isn’t significant to you can be huge to someone else and vice-versa. This isn’t a case of ‘my mountain is bigger than yours’.
Comparison is the big issue for many of us. We used to refer to ‘keeping up with Jones’’ – the small circle of our network would have been our neighbours, our work colleagues or family, perhaps some influence from 4 or 5 television channels and a handful of lifestyle magazines. It came down to the size of house you had, the car you drove or holiday you went on, perhaps the various appliances or gadgets in the house or shed. I maybe simplifying things a little to male a point but in the past 25-30 years it’s completely different. We have hundreds of TV channels, social media is influencing everything we do. We have opinions and expectations about everything from everyone. We’ve gone from posting a cheque and waiting up to 28 days for delivery for something we wanted ‘mail order’, to now shopping online with instant payment and getting cross of the item doesn’t arrive the next day.
We want it all and we want it all now, and then we want some more. We wonder why we feel exhausted but we are always striving for something - for the next thing - we end up feeling like we aren’t coping – we have to be everything to everyone, do everything, live life to the full.
I wonder if what we really need to consider is how we can be kinder to ourselves and to others. Do we lack compassion for those with poor mental health - the word compassion comes from Latin ‘compati’ meaning ‘to suffer with’ - do we suffer with others or do we lack patience and grace? In my own life I’ve experienced people letting me down when I needed them the most - but a lot of people don’t know how to handle other people’s struggles and it is more comfortable to ignore it or turn our backs. Compassion doesn’t mean we allow ourselves to be walked over and taken advantage of. I think a person who is suffering with poor mental health needs to come to a point of realising they need some help and works to get better. If you had a bad knee you’d go to the doctor for help and if you have an operation to fix the knee there’s still work with physiotherapy to get it back to full strength - the same works for mental health - it takes hard work and determination and it isn’t always a quick fix.
Be your own best friend - learn to help yourself. Be aware of the things you do and the people you spend time with that build you up and make you feel positive and energised and do more of them - limit your time or stop altogether, doing the things and meeting the people who just leave you feeling drained emotionally. People will let us down, they are human just like us and no one is perfect. Other people are not responsible for our mental health or our happiness, we need to do that for ourselves. Talk to someone. Write a journal. Find the thing that helps - walking, singing, yoga, baking…the list is long! It’s OK not to be OK but don’t stay there and don’t do it alone.
