It's World Mental Health Day!

I was chatting to someone the other day – I’d been feeling low, some situations had got on top of me a bit and I was struggling with my mental health.  Over the years, I’ve got to know myself quite well – I generally know what the triggers are for me and when I need to be careful to take stock of what I’m thinking about and the situations I might find myself in.  If I’d had a cold or hurt my back and was feeling out of sorts or in pain I’d have no trouble saying this is why I was just being quiet at my desk or why I needed a day off, so why does it not work the same way when it is mental health related?  There has been so much talk about mental health awareness, mental health first aid and campaigns such as ‘It’s OK not to be OK’, so why is there still such a stigma around mental health?  We asked the question, if someone is off work long term because of mental health, why do we not talk of them in the same way as if it were because of cancer treatment or a major operation? 

I didn’t have the answer at the time – and I’m still not sure that I do, but I have given it some thought.  I don’t think there is one answer – if it were that simple we probably wouldn’t have so many people suffering.  But I do wonder if some of the reason is because we are taught and encouraged to look at the positives or ‘on the bright side’ of situations we find ourselves in.  Every cloud has a silver lining! We are told to think of those who are in worse situations than us.  Of course there are people in worse situations than us – the list is almost endless -  there are people who live in poverty, people who don’t have homes or clean water, people who have lost their job or home through no fault of their own, people facing loss or illness, people who are exploited in all sorts of ways – all of those situations and so many many more are very real for a lot of people but probably need a blog post all of their own. 

I believe we all have our own mountains. Perspectives are different and we will all view mountains differently.  Challenges come in different ways for each of us.  Don’t ‘dis’ someone else’s mountain. What isn’t significant to you can be huge to someone else and vice-versa. This isn’t a case of ‘my mountain is bigger than yours’.

Comparison is the big issue for many of us.  We used to refer to ‘keeping up with Jones’’ – the small circle of our network would have been our neighbours, our work colleagues or family, perhaps some influence from 4 or 5 television channels and a handful of lifestyle magazines.  It came down to the size of house you had, the car you drove or holiday you went on, perhaps the various appliances or gadgets in the house or shed.  I maybe simplifying things a little to male a point but in the past 25-30 years it’s completely different. We have hundreds of TV channels, social media is influencing everything we do. We have opinions and expectations about everything from everyone.  We’ve gone from posting a cheque and waiting up to 28 days for delivery for something we wanted ‘mail order’, to now shopping online with instant payment and getting cross of the item doesn’t arrive the next day. 

We want it all and we want it all now, and then we want some more. We wonder why we feel exhausted but we are always striving for something - for the next thing - we end up feeling like we aren’t coping – we have to be everything to everyone, do everything, live life to the full.

I wonder if what we really need to consider is how we can be kinder to ourselves and to others. Do we lack compassion for those with poor mental health - the word compassion comes from Latin ‘compati’ meaning ‘to suffer with’ - do we suffer with others or do we lack patience and grace?  In my own life I’ve experienced people letting me down when I needed them the most - but a lot of people don’t know how to handle other people’s struggles and it is more comfortable to ignore it or turn our backs.  Compassion doesn’t mean we allow ourselves to be walked over and taken advantage of.  I think a person who is suffering with poor mental health needs to come to a point of realising they need some help and works to get better.  If you had a bad knee you’d go to the doctor for help and if you have an operation to fix the knee there’s still work with physiotherapy to get it back to full strength - the same works for mental health - it takes hard work and determination and it isn’t always a quick fix. 

Be your own best friend - learn to help yourself. Be aware of the things you do and the people you spend time with that build you up and make you feel positive and energised and do more of them - limit your time or stop altogether, doing the things and meeting the people who just leave you feeling drained emotionally. People will let us down, they are human just like us and no one is perfect.  Other people are not responsible for our mental health or our happiness, we need to do that for ourselves.  Talk to someone.  Write a journal.  Find the thing that helps - walking, singing, yoga, baking…the list is long!  It’s OK not to be OK but don’t stay there and don’t do it alone. 

Be a cheerleader!

We were watching the end stage of the annual Guernsey half marathon on Sunday. The runners had completed over 13 miles of the coast of the island and the finish line was almost in sight.  Most of the runners looked tired, some of them, exhausted! They had given everything to this race. The thing that struck me thought was as we and other spectators clapped them and shouted words of encouragement like ‘you’re nearly there’, ‘keep going’, you’re doing great’ as they ran past, it seemed to be making a difference to them. Some visibly perked up, their tired shoulders rose, some pushed out their chest and pushed on, one or two managed a smile, a thumbs up or even a strained ‘thank you! Some didn’t seem to even notice we were there but we clapped all the same. 

Talking with someone who has run a number of half marathons they confirmed to me the positive effect of the support, the clapping.  It got me thinking – I’m good at that(!) – and the word ‘cheerleader’ came to mind.  As we do these days, I Googled ‘cheerleader’ – and Wikipedia tells me that cheerleading is ‘an activity in which the participants (called ‘cheerleaders’) cheer for their team as a form of encouragement’.  As I thought a bit more on this I pictured the American football cheerleaders – probably what comes to mind for most people when they think about cheerleading – they shout for their team and support them throughout the game, no matter how they are doing, winning or losing, their enthusiasm remains, they still cheer. They also encourage the crowd to support their team. 

We all need cheerleaders in our lives and we need to be a cheerleader. 

I was listening to a podcast of a talk by Jayne Sargeant at Lifecentral Church (19^th May 2019 – Live Your Best Life – Love Beyond Yourself) and she commented that living your best life always involves other people – living beyond ourselves, making a difference, helping others. A life of contribution and connection.  Jayne quoted Mother Teresa, who said ‘do small things with great love’.  This really ties in with being a cheerleader – we need to connect with people, take time to listen and support.  Cheering someone on doesn’t mean you need to agree with them when you think they are doing the wrong thing but it does mean having their best interest as your intent, being kind and encouraging.  It means loving someone not for what we get in return, clapping them along, not only in the times when they are winning but when their legs are tired, when the finish line seems a long way off or when the other team is scoring more goals.  It means speaking positively about people and encouraging others to do the same.  It means noticing what is important to others and letting that become important to you too.

Who will you shake your poms poms for? 

A year of adventures!

A year ago tomorrow I went on first date!  I had been on other first dates during the past three or four years, made a friend or two along the way and met various men who weren't as they first seemed!  I'd been left disillusioned and disappointed many times and wondered if I would ever meet anyone I might want to share life with.

"We can let the circumstances of our lives harden us so that we become increasingly resentful and afraid, or we can let them soften us, and make us kinder. You always have the choice" Dalai Lama

So, I went on another first date.....I very nearly cancelled, not sure if I could really be bothered with going through the motions of making small talk and wondering how soon I could leave without looking rude - but this time it really was different.  Our first date lasted seventeen hours - we talked and walked, ate dinner, drank wine and talked some more.  We met again the next day and a couple more times during the week that followed! And here we are a year later.....!

My previous post was just before this time and was all about being brave on my adventures, but I was learning to be brave about letting someone get close to me.  I had been on quite a journey of finding myself again after divorce - it is the perfect cliché, but it really was the truth for me and I was in a place of knowing the only relationship I wanted was one that would compliment the life I had, not complicate it!

"The thing about being BRAVE is it doesn't come with the absence of fear and hurt. Bravery is the ability to look fear and hurt in the face and say move aside, you are in the way".  Melissa Tumino

I had to be brave again - the first time Ben told me he loved me and asked me to be his girlfriend I told him I didn't want him to love me!  I was scared.  I was scared of loving and loosing again - trying to protect myself I guess.   A friend reminded me that nothing is certain in life and sometimes we have to take a risk.  I was grateful for that advice and decided to take it one day at a time - not thinking about how it might all work out (or otherwise) but enjoy it for what it was.  Ben is kind and patient, yet persistent in loving me.  My previous experiences had made me cautious and I tested him  for a while, but the one thing we shared right from that very first date was honesty. Being real is important to both of us - there’s no judgement or self-righteousness, it’s a mutual respect, an openness to be who we are.

It hasn't all been plain sailing - when you get to forty-something and have both been married before and have children, it can have some challenges - but sharing life, sharing the ups and the downs and continuously talking, being open and honest makes a big difference and I'm so glad I didn't cancel that first date.

Why am I sharing this?  With so many of my other personal posts, I hope it might help someone.  Take a risk, what if you miss out on something wonderful for the fear it might not be?  It's a calculated risk - I'm not saying take a chance on anyone or anything - you'll know if it might be worth it.