Emotionally intelligent?

A few years ago a manager of mine told me I needed to gain some emotional intelligence, to become less emotionally dependent. 

At the time I felt like he was saying 'you cry too much'!!  I probably did cry too easily and definitely took things way too personally....but in the wonderful view of hindsight I can see now that his comment was an encouragement to grow up, to become more mature and less reliant on what other people think of me and trying to gain their approval. To believe in myself and be confident in my ability.

That doesn't mean it was an instant change or even that I think I've got there yet but I'm continually learning more about myself, and about others and what makes us 'tick'. However, I do worry less about what people think of me and am more confident in my ability...(on a good day!). I can usually make sense of why I might react to something in a certain way or how others might react. I've learnt to read other people better and know that the way I approach one person won't be the way I can approach another.

I read an interesting article from www.thesumoguy.com Paul McGee about treating others how they would want to be treated, rather than the old way of treating others how you would want to be treated. It made a lot of sense to me even though I'd not thought of it that way before. Within the working environment I have usually treated those in the team I manage in the way I would like to be treated and thought that was quite alright, but I more recently I have considered more what they need from me and how they would like me to be with them and it has made a positive difference. It's not easy but the outcome does make the effort worth it.

I've learnt more about myself, set myself some challenges and am continuing to grow.  I have one or two people in my professional world who I would consider 'mentors' who have and continue to be great influences on me. They are people who I respect and I will give a call to when I either find myself in a situation I'm not sure how to deal with or just need someone to run something by.  

And the manager that made that comment.....well he's not been my manager for some time but I am grateful for the influence he's been in my work life - he's been a part of making me the person I am today.

A cog in the wheel

So how many times have we heard or even used this expression?  Sometimes it's said 'a small cog in a big wheel'.  Do we use it to describe ourselves or others?   

Within business everyone has a part to play to make it successful.  So why is it that some people see some positions are more important as others?  Or maybe it is that they see themselves as more important than others?

It's not uncommon for me to hear from other facilities managers that they don't feel appreciated or that their role isn't understood.  I usually tell people that it's only when I don't do my job that people will notice!  We all come into our office, security tag lets you in, the lift works and the lights come on. The temperature suits the time of year (usually!!!), desks are clean and there's a chair ready to sit down on.  Head towards the kitchen and get a drink - there's fresh milk in the fridge, there's clean mugs and spoons and the tea and coffee is all there too.  Bathrooms are clean, stocked with toilet paper and soap (and in our office, even hand cream!). And that's just what happens in the first part of the day - facilities management is much more than just this though!

How did all this happen?  Do we even think about it?  There are exceptions, of course, but generally I think people don't give a second thought to how that all happened.  But if it didn't happen.......

Is it time for us to appreciate each other more?  Should we be more aware of what other people in our business actually do and the part they play in making things happen?  

It doesn't matter how small or how big the cog is.....if it isn't there then the wheel won't work!

"Failures don't define you. If you let them, they make you."

Wikipedia says...."failure is the state or condition of not meeting a desirable or intended objective, and may be viewed as the opposite of success".

There are an awful lot of quotes and cliches relating to failure.....

• Thomas A Edison said "I have not failed.  I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work".

• Winston Churchill said "Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm".

• "Failure is an event, not a person" 

and there are hundreds, if not thousands more like this. 


The opinion of when something is a failure will vary from event to event or person to person.  Some things will be obvious - such as passing or failing an exam or test but other events or situations will be more to do with how they are perceived either by ourselves or by others. 

The thought of failing may stop some people from even trying.  Setting our expectations too high may lead us to viewing something as a failure if it doesn't achieve that, possibly unrealistic, expected result.  Getting a job done won't be seen as failure to the person that wants it done but perhaps the person doing it knows they could have done better - maybe that's viewed as a failure.  

Is anything less than perfect a failure?  

We must not be define by those things we term as failures.  I think Thomas A Edison made a very sensible comment - he didn't fail, but found lots of ways that didn't work.  I believe the failure would have been if he had given up.  If he had not pursued to getting a positive result.  

Can failure make you?  I guess it can!  We can learn from our mistakes.  We can learn not to do those things again.  We can also learn that we don't have to do things perfectly in order to still get a job done and we can learn from others and the mistakes they make.  Those things we view as failures may just be a case of finding our strengths and weaknesses, the things which come naturally to us and those that don't.  

Don't let failure become part of who you are - it isn't!  

Before you quit, remember why you started!

Another interesting statement and applicable to so many areas of life.  For example....the decision you made to go to the gym more often and get fit; going through a difficult period in a long term relationship or marriage; a job you loved, that seemed so perfect at first is now lost its appeal.

This is quite relevant to a situation I currently find myself in.  The longest commitment I've ever made is my marriage...16 years and counting....but I know with lots of other things I tend to become bored quite quickly and if the challenge isn't there I easily loose interest!  This is evident in hobbies I've taken up, the times I've gone on a diet or started at a gym and even years ago deciding to study again.  

It's so easy to become bored, disheartened and disillusioned.  I'm a bit of an idealist - I run through scenarios in my head, I repeat conversations, replay what happened and how much it differed to how I wanted or intended it to play out.  What starts off as a good idea and creates a buzz in me, a passion and true enthusiasm fades into disappointment, regret and stress.  

So, is it just me?  Do I just lack will power or the determination to succeed? Am I just not prepared to work hard enough to get results?  Is it because I want things my way too much? Or am I not good enough - punching above my weight?  

If you type 'ready to give up' into Google (and I'm sure any other search engines) there are pages and pages of relevant articles and websites - ranging from people who are saying they don't feel they can live their lives anymore, to the ones talking about stress in the workplace and other stuff in between.  There's loads of advice and suggestions - have a look at some!

I don't have the answers to why I feel like I do, however I will try to remember why I started what I've started and why I felt so passionately about it in the first place and re-focus on why it was so important to see if that is still true!